The Day The TV Channels Crossed


Most televisions are great,
I think it is a truly cool invention
But yesterday mine had a problem
I feel I really ought to mention.

Something strange was occurring
And for a while I was truly Lost
Let me tell you about the awful day
The TV Channels crossed.

I was settled in, my popcorn bowl
And soft drink by my side.
Watching Pam & Jim in re-runs
Flirting while trying to decide.

When suddenly and quietly
And right out of the blue
Earl, Joy and Randy walked on-set,
Then even Darnell too.

They asked if this was Smallville,
Where Lex Luthor could be found.
But before Jim or Pam could answer,
Dwight Shrute spun his body around

And shouted “No Deal Howie!”
With a dance move that earned him solid scores
From the three judges that were found
To be sitting behind Michael’s office doors.

I knew that this was something odd,
for there was no more laugh track.
And parts of it were in color,
and others were white and black.

The cable box said 666
and I knew that couldn’t be good.
I couldn’t tear my eyes away,
although I knew I should.

The scene dissolved with a hollow knock
and then we were in court.
Trailer park rejects confessed and brawled
before the judge’s bench as sport.

Sam Watterson and James Spader
argued a case which only confused
While the camera noticed four New York women
drinking Cosmos in trendy shoes.

Evidence was presented
as funny videos with narration.
While the courtroom awaited
who would be fired with great anticipation.

Forensics never lie, we were all told,
and then we were shown the proof
Of a dimwitted husband lying,
then his wife finding out and hitting the roof.

The judge – with Leno’s jaw and Dave’s toothy gap,
Conan’s hair over Kimmel’s nose –
Had the models opening briefcases
until he gave the last girl a single rose.

The scene dissolved once more
to show soldiers overtaking a hill.
Where Jack and Karen watched and laughed
as Grace chased a flaming Will.

I was getting dizzy and sick
from the pop culture attack on my senses.
I have watched TV daily, since I was nine,
so I had no natural defenses.

Every show I had watched was on all at once,
from F-Troop to Kojak and more.
I saw Muppets and monsters, Fonzie
and even Arnold the pig with Eva Gabor.

My mind was reeling from the onslaught
I stabbed wildly at the remote.
I had to escape the TV shows
Baretta said that was all she wrote.

Until I fell off of the couch
My popcorn bowl got tossed,
And that is what what happened
The Night the TV channels got crossed.

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